I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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