My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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