I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
