If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
