he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
