he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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