I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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