Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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