she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
