I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
