I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
