I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
