i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
ttyl tear gas
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The struggles of a small town man whore
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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