today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
