I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
