3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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