apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
