if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
