I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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