do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
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