She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
