Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
