Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
from now on my penis is your penis
He is an equal opportunity slut.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
