I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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