i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
