How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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