Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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