Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
