He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
