when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
