Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
