I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
