So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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