I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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