Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
