would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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