i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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