Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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