Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
