i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
