I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
