i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
