Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
