You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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