I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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