i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
