walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The best revenge is premature balding
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
