My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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