beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
