Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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