don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
