How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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