I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
