Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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