hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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