If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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