i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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