i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
