Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
