god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
